mgroves

Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Like Coors beer? Like random triangles? Try these videos on for size.

Speed round: name 10 things that aren’t Jackie Chan. GO

You might ask, “what’s with this unhealthy fixation on the Food Network, Groves?”

“Why don’t you get out of your parents basement and go get laid?” you might also ask, if you were a tool.

I’ll tell you: my wife watches this network constantly, because she loves to cook. It’s really quite a crisis: I love my wife’s cooking, but I hate the media vehicle she has latched on to. Thus, I must vent my hatred so that I will not slice my own eyes out when the Food channel is on.

Another defense mechanism is a drinking game that I’ve invented for myself. The Food Network isn’t much more enjoyable drunk, but it takes the edge off.

Play along at home!

Sip:

• Whenever a host starts smashing garlic.
• Whenever there’s a discussion about canned vs. fresh ingredients.
• Whenever there’s a vegetable chopping sequence. WE GET IT. CHOPPING VEGETABLES. GREAT.
• A host begins a sentence with a preposition. “To this, we add one tablespoon of vanilla extract.” Stock up on booze if Sandra Lee is on.
• Whenver Paula Deen deep fries something or covers something in gravy.
• When Marc Summers uses unnecessary alliteration and dramatic pauses.

Drink:

• When a host that normally has a plain American accent pronounces a type of food in some other accent. For example: “Now, I’m going to put some MOOTS-UH-RAIL-UH into the pan. Because I’m suddenly Italian, you see!”
• When an ingredient is added because it “really brings out the flavor of” something.
• The host uses fresh herbs from their in-kitchen garden. WHO DOES THIS (besides my wife)?
• Whenever a host adds lemon juice by squeezing a lemon over his hand to catch any seeds, and then tells you that he’s squeezing the lemon over his hand to catch any seeds.

Guzzle:

• One cook appears on another cook’s show (Iron Chef and The Next Food Network Star don’t count).
• Whenever the Neeleys start to molest eachother. Yes, they do it a lot. Yes, I still think this should be under “guzzle”.
• Marc Summers actually touches or (gasp!) eats the food on display in front of him.

Hook up an IV:

• Christopher Walken actually gets a Food Network show. This would likely be my favorite show ever.
• Alton Brown finally admits the computer screens in front of him on Iron Chef are just props and don’t actually do anything.
• If Guy Fieri dresses and acts like an adult professional in any of his shows.

If you are watching anything but Barefoot Contessa, prepare to be drinking. A LOT.

From Post Secret:

From top left to bottom right, here’s who I think they are parodying in the below video:

• Pam Sumpter – Brett Somers
• Steven Nielson Perry – Charles Nelson Reilly
• Sarah Annette…Boob? – Random 70s bimbo in the “dummy seat”
• Nancy Nanjar? – Fannie Flagg
• Tipsey Bodet – Nipsey Russell
• Dirk the magician – I have no idea.

Why no Richard Dawson?

Not a great CNR impression, and they really focused on the “he’s obviously gay but acting like he’s not for the yuks and possibly the censors” angle. But it’s good to see Match Game parody!

If you’ve never seen Match Game, here’s a useful clip:

If you don’t religiously watch the Cincinnati Reds on Fox Sports Net Ohio like I do, then you probably haven’t seen these ridiculous JTM commercials.

JTM is a company that sells various pre-cooked “meat” products. The last time I had them (admittedly 15+ years ago), I about vomited.

Also in case you don’t follow the Reds, this series of commercials features Chris Welsh (mustache), a former Reds pitcher and current Reds broadcaster along with Bronson Arroyo, the former Red Sox pitcher, current dog of the Reds rotation, and avid musician who plays local concerts for charity.

These commercials are bizarre in multiple ways.

Chris has hinted that more of these commercials will be coming forthwith.

I thought I’d also mention that Chris used to plug JTM products during the broadcast by saying, “Hey meat, looking for something to spice up your BBQ?” or something like that, which I always thought was weird. However, I later learned that “hey meat” is a reference to the movie Bull Durham, a.k.a. the other Costner baseball movie.

I’m back, baby! Back to blogging at mgroves.com again, that is. Just a reminder, if you want to know what I’ve been up to all this time, check out MatthewKGroves.com.

Now, on with the show!

What’s new with mesothelioma these days? Here are some links to previous mesothelioma updates:

• Mesothelioma
• The Return of Mesothelioma
• What is mesothelioma?

Well, according to a “brain expert”, the effects of mobile phones are worse than asbestos (and I assume the resulting mesothelioma) and smoking. How sensational!

Does this mean that smoking isn’t nearly as bad as those infuriating Truth commercials make it out to be, or does it mean that using cell phones will kill us all?

Discuss whilst I light up some cigars today to celebrate the birth of my son.

I saw someone with a “Normal people worry me” bumper sticker tonight.

In the land of bumper stickers, let’s be clear: there are many, many offenses. I would wager that close to 90% of bumper stickers might as well say “LOOK AT ME I’M STUPID”. Crap, I’ve even got some hideous Cincinnati Reds stickers on my rear window that I’m just too lazy to remove. The “normal” bumper sticker is not an exception to the hideous wasteland of bumper signage.

Let’s look at one, shall we?

The implication here is that the driver is not normal, and, in a deliciously hilarious twist, finds that normal is weird (and/or worrisome).

Fine. Except that I would wager that 95% of people with “Normal People Worry Me” stickers are the very definition of normal. They drive a car (obviously), shop at Kroger, probably have average intelligence, hang out with their zany friends at Applebees after work, watch reality TV shows, and use the phrase “beg the question” incorrectly.

So, what, then, makes this person think that they are so unnormal as to consider purchasing this sticker? Sheer ignorance. Therefore, I present to you, dear reader, this handy guide that can help you to tell if you qualify to own this sticker or not.

(Feel free to come up with your own examples and leave a comment below).

In summary, you aren’t special, especially if you have a sticker that says you are. For this reason, anyone who buys this sticker and displays it non-ironically is someone that I hate with the fire of 1000 suns, and they will burn in the lake of fire.

Despite the many attempts to stop it, Meme Attack soldiers on. This week, i think halo is a pretty cool guy. eh kills aleins and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Check out the archive of Meme Attack by clicking on the “meme attack” tag above, or use the Meme Attack tag search.

This week’s meme is the Pretty cool guy meme.

Some toolbox posted “i think halo is a pretty cool guy. eh kills aleins and doesn’t afraid of anything” on 4chan. This one sentence is just busting with authentic lameness, and thus is immediate meme fodder.

However, it’s unknown if the OP (original poster) was being lame on purpose or, in fact, had the intelligence of a bag of hammers. What you do need to know, however, is how to adapt this meme for maximum hilarity and multiple lulz:

i think [something that isn't a name for a person] is a pretty cool guy. eh [performs action upon items] and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Misspelling is optional. Here are some examples:

1. i think Lost is a pretty cool guy. eh shoots polar bares and doesn’t afraid of anything
2. i think MacBook Air is a pretty cool guy. eh doesn’t have eithernet and doesn’t afraid of anything
3. i think Abe Vigoda is a pretty cool guy. eh isn’t dead and doesn’t afraid of anything

Did you spot a fail in the above 3? Yes. #3 is fail, because Abe Vigoda is a guy (ostensibly a pretty cool one).

Practice your own versions by submitting a comment below.

There was one more meme I wanted to talk about, because it made me laugh uncontrollably, but it’s very, very vile. I will link to this image and leave the rest up to you. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Mike Nelson from RiffTrax takes on political advertising! Is nothing sacred to this man?!

This is a commercial that was aired in Iowa that was supposed to help people figure out how to caucus, and specifically, how to caucus for Hillary Clinton. I’m not sure it does either of those things.

By the way, the last time I was in Iowa, I actually did visit the Field of Dreams field, which is really there, surrounded by corn.