mgroves

And now for some stupid humor. What if the people of Central Ohio were Barbies?

This post was based on one of those “forwarded” emails, so it’s likely that the city names have been changed multiple times to fit different cities and states. The text from the email is in italics.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Columbus market:

“New Albany Barbie”

This princess Barbie is sold only on the square in New Albany. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Easton playset coming soon.

“Dublin Barbie”

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Homemaker is an occupation, but all the same, I hope this dopey soccer mom drives her Windstar into the Oshaughnessy Reservoir.

“Reynoldsburg Barbie”

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

OH SNAP! Better get this one before all the kids who park in front of the Blockbuster video and play their hot jamz do!

“Upper Arlington Barbie”

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

This Barbie doll also has the ability to eat, but will refuse anything except fish on Friday (Sorry Grandma–oh well, like she even has a computer).

“Lancaster (pronounced Link-a-ster [sic]) Barbie”

It should be pronounced LANK-uh-ster.

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and a unicorn tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

I take offense at this 100% untrue depiction of Lancaster natives.

“Grove City Barbie”

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Grove City Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

I also take offense at this 100% untrue depiction of those who live or have lived in Grove City.

“Victorian Village Barbie”

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Victorian Village Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Seriously, what’s with the hippies and the Outback Wagons?

“Eastland Mall Barbie”

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Ha! Illegitimate children are hilarious!

“Short North Barbie/Ken”

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

It seems as if the snap-on parts are a choking hazard. So spit, don’t swallow them.

Other Central Ohio Barbies:

• OSU Barbie, was the #1 selling Barbie, recently surpassed by, uh….Alligator Barbie.
• German Village Barbie. Actually, there probably is a real German Barbie what with the lederhosen and what not.
• Obetz Barbie, which is actually just a pile of glass shards and asbestos.
• Pickerington Barbie, which is better than all the other Barbies.
• New Rome Barbie, discontinued in 2004

15 Responses to “The Barbies of Central Ohio”