mgroves

I’ve got a neighbor that I can’t stand.

I’ve listed my grievances on Rotten Neighbor, a Google Maps mash-up that is supposed to assist you with finding a good neighborhood, but is actually just a place to vent frustrations.

But venting there wasn’t enough. Here is my list of grieveances:

• Loud motorcycle. I understand that motorcycles can be loud, and I have no problem with motorcycles or motorcycle drivers. What I have a problem with is 10 minutes of revving the engine as loud as it can for no good reason, while sitting in your driveway.
• Unsafe motorcycling. I don’t care about his safety, of course. I hope he falls off and gets brain damage. But I’m talking about him tearing out of his driveway at ridiculous speeds in a residential (25 mph) neighborhood. He’s going to hit a kid or someone’s car, or me, I just know it.
• Car stereos. Him and his…wife? girlfriend? nappy-headed ho?…both have unnecessarily loud stereos in their car. I wouldn’t mind if I had to hear it for like 20 seconds while they pull into their garage. Not at all. But sometimes he’s gotta pull out of his garage to wash it or let it run for no reason or whatever, and he’s gotta crank it up to 11 for a good two hours or more. I asked him once to turn it down, and he said, AND I QUOTE: “If I feel like it.”
• Bratty kid. This kid is always wandering around in the street when I’m driving. Not to mention the fireworks he and his dopey friends put in my mailbox. With my mail.

To give you an idea of what this guy looks like, I present to you this picture analysis:

Who he thinks he is:

Who I think he is:

What I wish he actually was:

I hope he and his household are eaten by mutant sharks. From Mars.

Yes, I’m an uptight, passive agressive, oversensitive white man–with 1 lousy neighbor in a otherwise good neighborhood.

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