mgroves

In many cases, we spend more waking hours with our coworkers than we do with our spouses. Grueling cubicle hours can form camaraderie not unlike soldiers at war; and in the trenches we form our own vocabulary.

In a little web development shop in Columbus, Ohio, this vocabulary became vast and impenetrable to new employees. This is our glossary of terms; our office language lexicon:

General Terms

• Seeing How It Is
  When one is unable to join the group for lunch. As, in “Oh, I see how it is. You’re too good to come to lunch with us.”
  “Sorry guys, my wife is meeting me for lunch. I’m gonna have to see how it is.”
• 5th Floor
  When the group goes on a 3:30 snack break in our new one floor office kitchen. Our old office had many floors, including the 5th Floor which had the vending machines.
  “Time for a little 5th Floor action?”
• Future Taco Bell
  A relatively new Taco Bell establishment with interior architecture resembling the bridge on the Enterprise (TNG not TOS).
  “Future Taco Bell is good to go.”

Misogyny Terms

When your office group is comprised exclusively of men, political correctness is apparently thrown out the window.

• Level 5 Beating
  A rating system which determines the severity of a spousal beating (Level 1, Level 2, etc).
  “My wife spent $300 on Tupperware so I gave her a Level 5 Beating.”
• Ham
  An objectification of attractive women as pieces of succulent meat.
  “Man, warm weather seems to bring out the ham.”
• Hammy McHam
  An attractive female.
  “Hammy McHam’s gonna get it!”
• Spray-ons
  Pants that are so tight, they look as if they were applied with spray paint.
  “Did you see those spray-ons Hammy McHam was wearing?”
• Tank Commander
  If a woman’s breasts are particularly large, the breasts are tanks, and she herself is the tank commander.
  “That waitress at Applebees is a real tank commander!”
• 12-Year-Olds
  Nubile young woman, almost boyish in their development of mature sexual characteristics (hips, breasts, etc.).
  “Forget that tank commander, did you see that 12-year-old sitting at the booth behind us? Quality.”

7-Eleven Terms

• Cracky McCrack’s
  The questionable 7-Eleven near our office.
  “Let’s go to Cracky McCrack’s to get some Slurpees!”
  Sometimes also referred to as Gangsta 7-Eleven or Ghetto 7-Eleven.
• Crack Lady
  The clerk who works at Cracky McCrack’s (and thus its namesake) who accused us of leaving a Slurpee spigot on and causing a mess (although we were totally innocent).
  “Dude, the Crack Lady just called the Spiderman cups Superman cups.”
• Slurp
  What the Crack Lady calls Slurpees when she rings them up.
  ” Slurp… One…Twenty…Eight…”
• Pry Bay
  A misspelled sign, carefully crafted in Microsoft Word, taped to the gas pumps outside Cracky McCrack’s. It was supposed to say, “Pre-pay After Dark.” Instead it said, “Pry Bay After Dark.”
  “Forget eBay. It’s all about Pry Bay.”
• One Dollar O’clock
  Cracky McCrack’s misspelled sale sign for 8 month old Easter candy. It read: “$1:00″
• Full Thruttle
  Another misspelling, this one adorning the new Full Throttle Slurpee sign.

Entertainment Terms

• Nuggets
  Revealing moments in otherwise uneventful television series.
  “How about those nuggets on LOST last night?”
• Scandalgasm
  A exuberant amount of scandalous content.
  “Woah. On Nip/Tuck, some guy asked to have his penis cut off because it had distinguishing marks that would incriminate him.”
• Rape Room
  A trend in suspense movies whereby a secret room is discovered used for the purpose rape, torture, and video-taping. Think “Silence of the Lambs” or “Gothica”.
  “Matt Groves owns a rape room. Tell the cops. No seriously. Tell the cops.”

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