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So, you’re at the video store, browsing the new releases, and something catches your eye. You say, “Oh, hey, cool! The new Pirates of The Caribbean movie! But didn’t this just get released in theaters? Wow! There must’ve been a mistake at the distribution center! While those poor schmucks are waiting in long lines to see this summer’s blockbuster, I’ll watch it in the comfort of my own home!” But when you get home and watch it, it’s some B-movie knock-off starring Lance Henriksen.

Do they seriously expect some yahoo to mistakenly rent the title thinking it’s the current box-office hit? Who are the purveyors of such shady nonsense? The answer: The Asylum Home Entertainment. Here’s just a few of their knock-off gems:

Pirates of Treasure Island

While Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest was breaking records last summer, Asylum snuck this beauty onto the shelves. Yes, Lance Henriksen is the star. Yes, he rocked in Aliens and Millennium. The movie’s IMDB “goofs” page tells the tail: “Numerous times during the film, people are shot at close range by pistols. In many cases, there is no muzzle flash nor is there smoke.”

Snakes on a Train

This one was very convincing. It didn’t seem implausible to think Hollywood executives would quickly flood the market with Snakes on a Plane spin-offs, capitalizing on the movie’s buzz.

King of The Lost World

And you thought Bruce Boxleitner was unemployable. When a property enters the public domain, anyone can use it. You could make your own Sleeping Beauty or Hunchback of Notre Dame. That’s why you always see those Disney knockoffs in the checkout lines of grocery stores. Watch Tron get carried up the Chrysler building or something equally derivative of King Kong.

The DaVinci Treasure

Lance Henriksen’s a busy man. This time he’s joined by C. Thomas Howell. You know, the guy from Soul Man. The one where the white guy tries to get a scholarship by disguising himself as a black guy. It won an Image Award. Anyhow, if his pedigree wasn’t clear, here he is in a DaVinci Code knock-off, playing the Tom Hanks character.

Transmorphers

Asylum was hoping to transform some Transformers fans into Transmorphers renters. See what I did there? Couldn’t they have at least gotten the Go-Bots license? Are they that cheap? Yes.

And finally…

Dead Men Walking

“Honey, how about this one?” “Oooo. Dead Men Walking. This is the one Susan Sarandon won an academy award for.” “What’s with the zombie on the cover?” “Oh, just shut up and rent it, ya damn nag.” The real film was, of course, Dead Man Walking, which I believe was also about zombies.

You’ll notice that they spend a disproportionate amount of their budget on the cover art. There’s an information asymmetry (MBA mental masturbation term) at work whenever someone rents a video. You don’t know what’s inside until you watch it. Unless it stars Lance Henriksen. Then you know it’s… awesome! He was ripped in two in Aliens! He spewed his milky android blood all over the place! God, that was a good flick…

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