June 10th, 2007 | 
Author: Since this is my second trip to Houston, and I’ve spent nearly two weeks of my life here, I feel that I am an authority on all things pertaining to Houston.
So, if you are planning a trip or a move to Houston in the near future, let me be your guide to getting around, seeing the sights, and fitting in. I’ll give you some tips on shopping, cuisine, size, weather, and culture and language.
Shopping: You’ve probably been to a 99 cents and/or $1 store before, right? Here’s something to keep in mind: in Houston, the price of everything in a 99 cents store is: 99 cents. However, in case you forget this, there are cracked out employees screaming out specials over the P.A., with an angry reminder of the price for each item.
Cuisine: All Texans are required by law to eat bugs, but I covered that already. This law isn’t widely enforced, but prepare to be disgusted nevertheless.
Size: Houston is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindboggingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist, but that’s just peanuts to Houston. Listen, if you want to travel from one point to another Houston in less than 10 minutes, I’ve got one piece of advice for you: forget it. Unless you have a nuclear powered rocket car, you aren’t going to make it. There are actually more lanes on highways in Houston than the total number of cars owned by Houstonians. It’s hard to really grasp what I’m talking about, but here’s a handy size comparison picture (keep in mind this is to scale):
Total area: 6.2 billion square miles.
Weather: My number 1 most often performed activity while in Houston is sweating. Houston is hot like no other city I’ve ever been too, including Phoenix. A little known fact is that Houston has the world’s #2 largest storm drain system to compensate for the buckets of sweat from its citizens. Average temperature: 748 degrees
Culture and Language: You will see a lot of “taquerias” and a lot of other merchants with “eria” in their name. As far as I can tell, “-eria” is a Spanish suffix meaning “run-down and probably attached to a gas station.”
All in all, Houston is an acquired taste. Like Sour Patch Kids. A lot of people like ‘em, sure, but they taste really awful and bitter at first. But underneath, there’s a layer of sweet goodness. Or something like that.
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I heard that stuff on Sour Patch Kids that makes it so sour is just citric acid. Also, if you put more than 5 of them in your mouth at the same time you’ll die.
Texas is for Steers and queers, I can see why Matt would know all about it
moooooo
This guide has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate.
“I’ve spent nearly two weeks of my life hear”? What’s the editor doing? Smoking crack and screaming out $.99 prices?
“The editor”?