mgroves

Dear Every Theater Everywhere,

You know what the problem is, don’t you? You know cell phones are a part of it, but you know what else it is? Noisy people carrying on during the feature, leaving and entering the theater, and generally distracting from the movie.

Until you fix this problem, theaters, I will no longer patronize your establishments. I will purchase DVDs, download bootlegs and screeners, and jump on other opportunities to purchase first-run movies as soon as I can. That means you will also lose my considerable concession sales (I loves me some Milk Duds, and I hear Mr Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious).

I propose a new chain of theaters, made especially for grumpy old men (26 actually) like myself. I call it, Fascist Cinemas. These cinemas have strict rules as follows:

• No one admitted under 21, even for G/PG movies. No exceptions.
• No cell phones, pagers, or any noise making device allowed in the theater. Leave them at our convenient “phone check” booth, or in your car.
• No talking in the theater during the feature film.
• No entering a theater during the feature film. Late? Tough. Had to go to the bathroom? Tough.
• No leaving your assigned seat for any reason during the film (except for emergency).
• Outside food and beverages are allowed, but God help you if you make any noise opening them during the film.

These rules will be enforced by two large ushers who are ex-bouncers, that get a $5 premium everytime they boot someone out. Additionally, you will pay a $3 ticket premium and a $5 deposit, that is non-refundable if you are bounced.

This way, rude people who see theaters as an opportunity to socialize and disturb everyone else can continue doing so, and people who just want to watch a movie on a giant screen can do so undisturbed.

Sincerely,

MD Groves

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