mgroves

Thank you for the great questions, everyone! I will try to answer a few of them, but please don’t hold me responsible for inaccuracies, misunderstandings, or outright lies.

With that disclaimer in place, here are some answers.

David writes, Probably comes at you out of left field, but a central preoccupation of mine. Women to avoid under any and all circumstances: what are their tells?

The most important factor is whether or not she calls the cops when you beat her. If not, you have a winner on your hands! Unfortunately, the only way to find this out is to risk being arrested for assault. Therefore, I recommend becoming a monk and/or eunich.

Tweeder writes, When did you discover that you was(sic) a homosexual?

I’m glad you asked, Tweeder, because this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate the concept of “begging the question.” Your questing is begging the question of my homosexuality, when in fact, I am probably not homosexual. The question is phrased in such a way as to assume a fact that may not be safe to assume. Also, “you was”? I don’t want to hear you make fun of Ohioan “yokels” any more, okay?!

UR asks, Everyone has a favorite song. What is yours?

Here’s two of my all-time favorites:

However, my number 1, favorite song of all time has got to be this one:

Dreadhead asks many important questions, but his final question was Where do you stand on the right to bear arms? I think that the right to bear arms shall not be infringed. But I also continue to boycott Comedy Central to this day for refusing to show Mohammed in cartoon form, so if I were me (and I am), I wouldn’t look to me for sound political advice.

Finally, Andy states, Mr. Bob Dole you were once quoted as saying, “there is nothing like a penis.” So, why is there nothing like a penis? For those of you who doubt the authenticity of this quote, please watch the following video.

In fact, there are many things like a penis. I could list a thousand phallic monuments and point to penile architecture all day (and giggle, probably). But when it really gets down to it, there is nothing like the real thing.

Thanks for all the questions! I will probably do another “Ask Matt” post in the future (or maybe Jonny will dust off his keyboard and do an “Ask Jonny” post (but don’t hold your breath).

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